The College Send-Off

So, here it is a brand new year and my 2nd to oldest son is going back to college for the spring semester. Granted, we had already gone through the whole 'going off to live in the college dorms as a freshman' ritual, but he ended up having to take a medical withdrawal and leave school due to unexpected surgeries. He came home mid-semester, endured his surgeries and was ready to tackle the world again in 2012. I admire his tenacity. He would go back to college even if it was going to be on crutches, in a brace, with an unhealed wound with fresh stitches- and no tendon to speak of in his left knee. (I'll share THAT whole story later).

Now, it was time for take two.
I thought I was ready for this. We took the going-back-to-school shopping trip to stock up on whatever it is that is important for an 18 year old boy to have at school. He was packed. His classes were set. His dorm was assigned.
On Sunday my husband and I loaded up the truck and drove the two hours to what was to be Cody's home for the next several months. It was very quiet on the campus. Classes would not start until Wednesday so many people were still out on Winter break.
It took all of fifteen minutes to move Cody's college 'stuff' into his new room. We took a double look inside the truck to make sure he had everything. He did, of course (I was stalling at this point).
I asked him and his dad to turn so I could snap a picture of them standing out front of his dorm. Then I handed the camera off to my younger son to capture this goodbye moment between me, Cody and Dad.

that.is.when.it.happened.

I broke down, grabbed my baby (even though he is almost a foot taller than me) and BALLED my eyes out! Believe me when I say, I did NOT see this coming. The water just started pouring out of my eyes until I was practically hyperventilating. This was ridiculous, I know.
PULL IT TOGETHER. (I tend to talk to myself a lot when I'm overly emotional).
It seems like every emotion that I had been bottling up just came to the surface. I could not believe that I was going to leave my poor (not physically well) son all alone in a city by himself! I would not be able to monitor his stitches or healing. I would not be able to slow him down or keep him off his leg.
I wouldn't be able to "Mother" him. And this made me sad (for lack of a better word).
Am I a bad mom? He is not yet healed but HE wanted to go back to college. He got the doctors okay. I understand his feelings but CAN"T understand mine!
Anyway, I hugged him tight one last time, got in the truck, looked back over my shoulder as we pulled away. He waved at the door....and the water works started again. BAD. You know the kind of cry where you can't breath? Yep, that was me. My poor husband. He drove. And squeezed my hand and reassured me that Cody would be just fine. You know, he said all the things he was suppose to say. But, I just put on my sunglasses and silently cried for at least 30 miles or more.
I got home and his room was empty. I cried again.
Boy, in writing I really sound like a big cry baby. I'm not, really. 2012 is just off to a rocky emotional start for me. Was it too early to call and check on him? Yes, of course it was. I don't want to be that kind of 'helicopter' mom. I waited. It almost killed me.